A 'Poor' Blog: A Personal Perspective from the Inside

Ok, people are talking about everything political. This is not necessarily political, this is just, well, truth. Being 'poor' isn't always because you 'blow' your money on things that you don't need or because you're too lazy to find a job. I know that those people are out there because I see them daily, but not everyone who is 'poor' is like that. And just because you have nice things and you are 'poor' doesn't mean you have 'cheated' any system. Gifts are bought and things are found at Goodwill, yardsales, and other places for prices that most people would never believe you could find them. For example, my kids wear nice clothes....do you honestly think I can pay $70 for a Hollister button up shirt for my son? No. And even if I could, I wouldn't. It's ridiculous. But at various yard sales people who will not harm clothes for any reason like to buy new ones, well, because they can. So they clean out their closets and they sale the ones they or their kids don't like for hardly anything....I paid $2 for a Hollister button up shirt. Yep, $2. I got another one at Goodwill for $4.99. If you go on a day when they are having the 1/2 off, then that is $2.50. So, you do the math. What everyone else pays for a school wardrobe, I would be crushed. Now, we have the whole 'baby daddy' issue. Don't disrespect your kids by calling their father that. It's not fair to them. It doesn't matter how he acts, he's still their father. And it was your decision to have kids with him whether they were planned or not, so deal with it as much like an adult as possible. There are proper channels to go through to deal with child support, don't go through the child. It's not their issue. They are a child. If you can't get along, then just be civil, you don't have to be best friends. Credit scores. Check those as often as you can. Even if you're 'poor', a credit score can effect your ability to get a job. Yes, employment. So, if you are on the merry-go-round of 'what are we paying this month' like a lot of people are these days, try to make sure that your payments with the highest penalties on your credit score get paid first and on time(behind necessities, of course). You'll be thankful later. Now, college. If you have the chance DO IT!!!! And take it seriously for heavens sake. It's not easy, it's not fun, but it's worth it. No, you won't get a 100k job out of the gate and you may never get one, but you will almost definitely not get one on a high school diploma or a GED, or neither. So, if you get the opportunity, take it. Not everyone gets those opportunities, so appreciate them. And please, for those in high school or below....study. It DOES COUNT before junior and senior year in case you were wondering. Now, student loans. Here it is. If you can avoid them, do at all costs. They stack up faster than you realize because you are not paying them back while you are in school and then BAM!!! All of a sudden you owe $300 to $400 a month(or more) for 10 yrs(average), so try to take it easy on the loans and credit cards in school. They are a lot harder to pay back than you think. Plus, that does count against your credit when you want to buy a house, car, or anything else that you might want or need. So always try to be smart with money. People who aren't used to having any tend to manage it badly. Dave Ramsey. Learn the name, learn his strategies. And yes, I know his books are expensive, but the public library is free. Use it. I know that it's not necessarily a good tip for 'poor' people to try to save money when they can't even pay their bills, but if you listen to him or read his books then he can help you learn to manage the money you do earn....this can help stop the ongoing cycle of borrowing to pay. Which is one of the reasons Americans are so poor....not the inner-city poor, but the average-working-class-I-can't-pay-my-bills-every-month-poor. Yes, thank you credit card companies. But it's not their fault, it's ours. We have this grand idea that 'we can pay that off because we're just in a tight spot right now'. We need to be honest with ourselves and know that we are always going to be in a tight spot and the credit cards are just going to make it squeeze harder. Look, things happen, people have unexpected issues and illnesses and all kinds of things don't go according to plan. But when you give up is when it's no longer going to be a recovery for your home, or your life or our nation. Unemployment went down because people stopped looking for jobs. Businessmen aren't going to hire someone who 'kinda' wants to work. If you have a past 'issue' regardless of what it is, you have to make the effort to correct it because it is your issue. Own it. No one else can and no one else will. If you want to better your life then take steps to do it. If you are not in the position to do so, then seek help, it is out there, sometimes it's just harder to find than it should be. Chin up buttercup, it can't be this bad forever....unless you sit there and let it. I'll never be rich, and that's fine. I would settle for comfortable. I've been there before and I enjoyed it :) I was happy at comfortable. Some of us don't need bling or a new Mercedes....but yes I did enjoy my pedi's and Coach purses when I had them. But I never paid full price on a Coach....and even if you have the $$ in your account I would advise you to shop around...you can get one for little to nothing, you'd be surprised what ends up at Goodwill or on ebay in the middle of the night. Coupons can be your best friend. Use them. No you don't have to go all extreme like the show, but be smart and shop with them. If you have food stamps, then please....do not be one of those people who only buys name brand stuff. That is just tacky to me. #1...whether or not I have had stamps.....I have always used store brands or off brands because of better value. Sometimes it is cheaper and a better value to use the name brand, but you have to figure that out. Use a calculator. I have one with me at all times....you can get one at Wal Mart or the Dollar Store for $1. It's worth it. #2....don't buy all candy and junk food. I get it. Shut the kids up. I have 4 of them, but they really need nourishment. Don't get me wrong, I'm guilty of buying junk, but not all junk. Meat and vegatables are a must. Save-a-lot has canned vegetables for really cheap and other things that you wouldn't believe sometimes. For those who wouldn't be caught dead in a Save-a-lot....get a grip on reality. No one is too good for a grocery store, I don't care what the name is. Get over yourself. Yes, grocery shopping may take more time if you price compare and do all of that, but you will save and it is worth it. Umm, Ramon noodles....you can do a million things with those and they are cheap. I haven't had the best kids to deal with on the whole grocery thing, because my kids are picky eaters. But you can budget and you can do it. Find a butcher or meat market. They will have bulk meat at discounted prices compared to the major markets. This will save a ton of money. Even if you don't have a lot of freezer room, you can start small, and slowly build a little stock. Example, a roast that would cost $14 at WM, I paid $6 for at our butcher shop. If we were a smaller family, I could've had them cut the roast into two roasts. Things like that can go a long way. Sometimes you have to cut convenience out of the equation. If you're in a small town like me, and it's only a minute or so to the other grocery stores, then there's no reason to be stubborn and only go to one grocery store, even with 'price match' because we all know that the coupon deals differ at the different stores and that can make all the difference in the world. Now, being 'poor' and acting foolish. Don't. It's not right. You are a grown adult and you know better, or at least I hope you do. It bothers me to see people write about how upset they are to see people looking 'nice' and using food stamps. Would you rather everyone who uses food stamps look like they just got out of bed or hasn't showered in a week? Just because someone is using food stamps doesn't mean that they don't know how to shop savvy and save lots of money and budget. See the first of this blog. Just because you don't want to look like you are recovering from the flu every time you go grocery shopping doesn't mean that you aren't in need of assistance, and you never know someones story so stop judging that. Also, cashiers....stop looking at the receipt to see how much assistance is left. It's not your business so you can go tell everyone in the break room or get on FB and write a rant about how "some B**** came through your line today in nice clothes with a nice purse with nicely dressed kids who weren't acting all a fool, and paid with an assistance card and had $XX left OMG!!!! You know that's fraud!!!".....No you don't because you are standing behind a counter. You are not in their home, you are not in their check book and you have no clue what the crap you are talking about. You are just ticked because this is something you are seeing more of as more and more people who have had good jobs are losing them and needing assistance, so back off and butt out. It's not your place to judge. Oh, and since this is a small town that I am from, stop telling so and so about who is and isn't on assistance....you know that can get your butt canned from your job and then you'll go right back on assistance that you're po'd you can't get anymore or you're actually still on, ok?? So, let's move on. People who have criminal backgrounds. If you have changed, great! If you have not, why? Is this what you want to portray to your children? Look, a little personal story here. One of my children's co-parent ended up in trouble and ended up having to spend some time in jail. This was hard on everybody. Them, us, and especially our child. And yes, I said OUR child. They wanted what was best for our child and we wanted what was best for our child, so when they got out, they changed their life around! They made their own changes. No it wasn't easy but I commend them greatly for doing it because it's not easy. Damaged people are easily drawn in to self pity. At some point in your life you have to deal with your damage and deal with mistakes that have been made and move on. You have to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else. When you are pregnant the prenatal care focuses on the mother and the baby, in that order. The reason being that the mother's health is what the baby depends on to be healthy themselves. If the mom is unhealthy then it is more likely that the baby will be unhealthy. I'm not saying take care of you and everyone else come second, don't take that and run with it, but I am saying make sure that you are good so that you can do what needs to be done. And it's not just physical health, it's mental, emotional, and spiritual too. Now, that is another issue that I will touch on. Don't use mental issues as a crutch. I know they are hard and I know they can be all consuming sometimes, but don't use them to address your own anger issues or compulsion issues that you should be controlling. If you scream constantly, it's not necessarily because you are Bipolar. The same goes with spending too much money or things like that. Trust me, I get it. I'm Bipolar, but I do have self control. If you feel that you are losing it, it's not necessarily the Bipolar getting to you, it may just be life. Take a time out for yourself and breathe deeply until you feel that feeling go away...reboot. It's better than giving your kids a lifetime of memories that they would rather forget and giving in to the urge to blame it on something that you can't control, or you've been told you can't control. If you have a bad habit of overspending, instead of it being an issue with your spouse, let them know it bothers you too. Sit down and talk about it responsibly, like adults, no yelling. Make a plan. If nothing else have a check list, do I/we need it, do I /we have to have this in the near future, is this something that is just comforting, will I return it because I won't use it, will it ever have the tags taken off, do we have the money, and the most important...is it necessary for life? When you are in a money crunch, these things are important to ask and can keep harmony in a marriage/partnership. School is a major issue for 'poor' people because no child wants to be poor. This is why I put so much effort into finding my kids clothes and shopping around for everything to do with my kids. I don't want them labeled if at all possible. I know that other kids know things, but they are far from the only kids who have parents with money issues. They know that too. My kids get to do things but not like I would hope. I won't sign them up for all of the assistance that I know we qualify for because to me that's not fair. If we can scrape together the money for the field trip then there is no need in signing the paper for my kids to get it free because that takes away from another child whose parents couldn't scrape it together. I'm not signing up to see if we qualify for the 'backpack' program...we have food. It may not be the snack stuff that they want, but they eat fine. Trust me, when you see them you can tell they are not starving. They are all bigger than me except for my daughter. I really do not believe in signing up for things just because you qualify or might qualify. If you are making it, and you are fed, and clothed, and have a roof over your head, then don't be greedy, take only what you need and be thankful, because there are those who aren't getting the necessities. And those are the people who should be getting the 'extra' help as far as I'm concerned. The elderly, who can't work for any reason. Where's their 'backpack' program. We need to find one for them. In better times, I gave. I gave every extra penny I could spare. I think it's the least I can do because I have been grateful to receive when I have had little to nothing. I have tried to teach my kids to give, if nothing else give time. I have gone on long enough...this is the end of this one. I just wanted to get a few things off of my chest. It's not an easy life being 'poor' as people call it, but sometimes it let's you see things from a richer perspective. Things are not always so black and white. There are shades of gray, but no one likes to look at those because they do not fit into the campaign or the flyer. But those are usually the most common shades. This 'middle-class' you speak of...where is it? According to the debt ratio it doesn't exist for most people. People my age are just now seeming to wake up. We are figuring out that we have to grow up. I love my parents, but we are really the first of the over-loved generations aren't we. There are so many people who are going back to college because of the jobs disappearing, and now they are finding out that the jobs they are going back for are disappearing too. But that will be another blog I'm sure :) Keep smiling and going forth. "Tomorrow is another day..." Scarlett O'Hara

And so...it begins! Realizing you have teenagers...what now?

Ok, so how does someone who has always identified themselves as a mother move on...we end up with teenagers. Yes, that is what happens. One day, while we are innocently sleeping, we wake up and walk into the kitchen and BOOM! There they are. In all of their glory. Filled with their own knowledge that has seemingly came out of nowhere and is greater than your own. All of a sudden, they seem to not need you. But wait. Out of their mouths comes "Mom can you ___?", you can fill in the blank with whatever you can think of. This is when you realize that you have taught them, but have you really trained them? I figured out that teaching your child something and training them in the ways that it should be done are two different things. Your child may know how to do it, but getting them to use their knowledge is where the training part comes in. I have three boys and one girl. There is no power struggle, I rule supreme. At least I like to think so. But at this point I have decided to let them have some control. They need to learn to make their own mistakes and Mom not be there to clean it all up all of the time. There are consequences for actions and we have always tried to teach them that, now it's time for training. With that being said, I do like to start with training wheels. I am a Mom. But I decided with their new found independence, I needed something too...but what??? A-HA! A life. How do I go about getting one of those? It's been so long since I really had one. The nerves set in. I have went to college off and on for a degree for years, but always decided that the kids were too important, at that time, for me to leave. Well, now is the time! So, here I am. I'm a college student. With no life. It's funny that I rush home from class to make sure that everything is ok. I've met people and I like them, but most of them are so close to the age of my kids. So, I have decided that when I graduate, I will find a wonderful job, I will initiate adult conversations and I will then have a life. That is my goal. That is what I am searching for. Not just a job, but somewhere that can become part of my existance. When I have worked, I have loved it. I love working, but my children have always been my priority. Choices have to be made about priorities and that is where mine fell at the time. Things are changing in my life. My people are growing. I'm growing. It's time. It's my time. This is where I feel that I am training them. I am taking my time away so that they have to take their teachings that we have given them and apply them in training skills. This is also where my training comes in. I am training not to be so dependent on being Mom. They have to learn to fly and I have to learn to let go. WOW!!! No one ever really explained this part to me. I never knew how hard it would be to tell my kids...go fix yourself something to eat, I have homework. I feel so guilty. But should I? The answer is no. If they can't fix themselves a meal before they leave our home then what is going to happen when they move out? I will tell you...they will starve or be at my house every night for me to feed because I didn't do my job of raising them properly. Now, this is where I begin to feel useless yet again. Why you ask? Well, because we have actually done a wonderful job of raising thoughtful children (not perfect, but thoughtful) and they will ask me if I need them to fix me something to eat. Can you say Mom feels like poo now? I should beem with pride that they would consider my feelings and needs but instead I have guilt. The one thing I know is that this is helping them in their training to take care of a spouse or a child, if the need ever arises. So, occasionally, I give in and let them prepare a feast of hamburger helper or grilled cheese or chicken strips...whatever is on the menu...for me. They beem with pride and so do I. Now, if I could just get them trained to do all of their homework by themselves things would go much more smoothly in the homework department at our house...considering I now have my own to contend with. So, that is my learning experience for this time! :) Smile often, love lots, and bless everyone even if they don't deserve it!!! :)

JYN